Falling out of love

When you marry, it is best that you marry your best friend, your partner, your lover, and your King.
I am not writing as a jaded or bitter women, I am writing with the full understanding, acceptance and responsibility of my decision to marry a man who I recognized was broken and damaged.  I chose him because I was broken and damaged and we were miserable together.  My outlook is very different at this time because I grew to be compassionate and sympathetic with time. Don't think that there were not epic battles which have left us scared,  Eventually we learned to grow in love and understanding with years of therapy and spiritual intervention,  I have accepted my culpability in the dysfunction of the marriage however lost respect in the process.  As I come to terms with the finality of my marriage, I wish he finds the void I could not fill, I wish him unconditional love. 
I look forward to the new chapter in my life, a refresh in all the subjects I placed on hold.  I am so
excited to get a second chance to do a makeover of my life and my relationships with my children and people that were left behind.  

Peace Part 2: Reconciliation

I was told in order to have peace you have to reconcile your feelings towards people, events, and yourself. You have to forgive yourself for the decisions that were made at the time you thought was the right thing to do and can not be changed in the present. You have to let go of all the negative emotions that block your future from flourishing. These emotions are called fears; and believe it! It will sabotage your future. I have been going to a cognitive rehabilitation therapist and what she teaches me, is that you have to "change your thoughts in order to change your behaviors". I do breathing exercises that put me in a trans like state in which she walks me through different type of scenarios. These exercises teach me that no matter what is going on around me I can remain in my peace and no matter what the situation is I can only control me and don't have to allow the situation to sway who I am. I am also learning that it is not my business to get involved in other peoples drama and can be a friend by supporting or giving a shoulder but understanding that they have to resolve. Trust me when I say for me this journey has been a painful experience and torturous at times but I thank God for his constant trust that he knew I was strong enough to handle it.

PEACE & LOVE

I recently discovered that making peace, starts first with self. I had to forgive myself for making some chooses that I thought were in the best interest of family and future. I allowed people to take advantage of me and now I had to take a long look at why this has been a pattern. The first step was taking responsibility for my part in the offenses. I discovered that I was trying so hard to be accepted, that I gave more of my time,money and effort. I now know that in order to have healthy relationships you have to be present and gifts do not make relationships. Acts are the core of all relationships and mutual understanding is the foundation. I am learning to verbalize getting my needs met and meeting my own needs.
The healing process has started and it's been refreshing to embrace the person I was so terrified to be. Vulnerability was never been a character trait that I would have ever identified as a strength, but when you are seeking to be authentic that is the most significant characteristic. At this time I feel balanced and for the first time in a long time PEACE.

Holiday card 2010

Vintage Snowflakes Holiday

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Holiday card 2010

Vintage Snowflakes Holiday

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Healing

I have been through a series of really hurtful events from people who were suppose to be my biggest supporters and alias. I have not discussed this because I thought I was going through the motions of healing and not face the pain and heal through it. I carry my pain like a back pack and at a drop of a dime those wrongs haunt me. I loved so profoundly that I never imagined the pain it would feel to be betrayed, I did it for me and not the other person. I trusted with out limits. Now, all I do is question and it breaks my heart because it has changed me and I hate it. Making peace has become so difficult for me, I am still so angry, disappointed, bitter, hurt and can't seem to get passed all the pain. My process is going to be a slow and a lot of work, I am willing to do the work so I can become the person God wants me to be.

"Forgiveness is not about the person that wronged you"
@Diana Moore

I thank God for the special people who I can truly depend on and who love me unconditionally.

How do you know God is listening?

Obedience is the key to acknowledge your God given path. He will only reveal your direction if you seek his will in your life. The best way to do that is to focus your attention on is "WORD" and find people or mentors to elevate your knowledge and challenge your character. Finding a mentor stream lines any ego based character flaws that you do not see and challenges you to embrace your insecurities and strengthen your relationships. The best thing you can do to overcome anything is FACE IT; HEAD ON. I never liked roller coasters my father use to trick me to ride them,I would throw up and cry for him to realize my fear. As an adult, I have always avoided riding roller coasters; until my realization that, FEAR is not a part of God. It was a couple of years ago when my son ran away and even though my faith was strong; my ignorance of the WORD was weak. God brought me through that experience to overcome a fear. That same year at the age of 34; I rode the "Hulk" in Universal Studios. To prove that my FAITH is Strong and learning Gods word was my mission, and believing that he is my "savior" was the revelation.